I Love You Disgusting: Archive

Super... Duper... Hero Day (pt. 1)

Ah, summer. What to do, what to do? Make it “Super Hero” Day. Themes are for weird people. Allow me to introduce myself, “Wonder Death Shield Mom Force”. Events of SHD pt. 1: 1. Held our faithful friend, “Cow Cow” hostage in collaboration with Penguin and the Joker… however, when Batman and the guy from Imaginext caught wind, it was over for the evil...

May 31st

Momma Logue Volume 147

WHEN A BOY PREPS YOUR LUNCH Momma: Let’s get ready for lunch, okay? Kiddo: I got it momma. AND… When your fiver preps for lunch, you witness a couple essential elements… 1. Scotch tape. You never know when you need to mend a hot dog or assist yourself in chewing with mouth LESS open. 2. A previously used napkin. For reasons I’m not yet aware. 3. A place for you...

May 22nd

Thirty Five and Ruby Reds

Here’s the deal, I’m turning 35. What have I been thinking about? Ruby red shoes: Why? Because I’ve come to realize that “There’s no place like home”… ever. And it means two things to me- 1. There’s no place like the home I have with my mom and dad and siblings and when we all get back into the same room to have food together and hang out,...

May 18th

Momma Logue Volume 146

PERHAPS Momma:“Perhaps” means that you might want to do something. It’s just a more dignified way of speaking. Like, you would say, “Mom, can I watch cartoons while I eat lunch?” and I would say, “perhaps” because I’m going to think about it… it’s like “maybe”. Get it? Kiddo: Perhaps. Quick. Smart. Cute. It’s what...

May 11th

Birthdays and Inhalers (in no particular order)

For my husband’s 35th, we were keeping a close eye on our five year old with pneumonia. When you’re an adult, you realize that birthdays are less about friends, cakes and presents and more about family, food and things going smoothly. Although we were tired and scared during the process of administering inhalers and taking temperatures, we managed to get in a good birthday dinner...

Apr 7th

Spring Break "Momma-Style"

1. I don’t have to “be” anywhere that I don’t want to… well, mostly (because I’m a mom and wife which requires school taxi service, meal making and sleep). 2. It’s 80+ degrees right now… in MARCH and with the windows down, the kiddo and I can crack up about farts while not having to smell them in a sealed vehicle. 3. When I sit outside and the sun...

Mar 15th

A Little Somethin' Somethin'

It’s Valentines Day. I’m going to let you in on a few little secrets about me. A. I am not materialistic. B. I love “memories” and “time” more than anything else. C. When someone hears me… I mean REALLY hears me, it’s something you can’t buy. This morning, I realized that my Valentine knows me and loves me well. These cards are the...

Feb 14th

Home is Where the "Hearts" Are

Let me take you back to about 1984 or so. Picture this… A mom, a little girl, red construction paper and white doilies… now what do you think was created with such raw materials? Yes, homemade Valentines. At the time I thought that I was going to be the laughing stock of the 3rd grade. How can some paper and lace compete with Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears and the Smurfs? I knew...

Feb 14th

Let's Face It...

Let’s Face It, there are 3 great things about showers… 1. The clean crevasses 2. A sense of refreshing and the soap smell 3. Wet and crazy hair (THIS is the greatest of these three things). When you get crazy, fresh outta the towel hair, it’s necessary to create a game that truly embraces the odd “dew”… Kiddo: Okay, on the count of three, I’m gonna...

Feb 14th

The Year of Simplicity

Some of you may know that as of January 1st, I entered what I so adoringly have called, “The Year of Simplicity”. It may seem, well, “simple”, but it’s truly not. After 15 years of Life Tornadoes and Hurricanes (which have included some delightful spins in wind), I am riding on the calm AFTER the storm. How does one mom in full-time college courses with a Kindergartener and Hubby...

Feb 5th

Baby Momma- MIA

Yep, I’m MIA. I would certainly say that I’ve been immersed in full on action sequence known as “life”. I haven’t been writing since August (actively and consistently, that is) because I’m finishing my Bachelor’s Degree and taking care of my family (hubby and kiddo). As you may have grasped from earlier Momma Logues, there is never a dull moment or lack...

Jan 30th

Here's to you, 2011.

2011 was a wild ride, folks. Here are some highlights: Hubs and Kid traveled out of the US to join an elite group of ninja warriors. Upon returning, Kid took shape as a man spider, creeping our walls and ceilings on a daily basis. It was weird, but after a little getting used to, we began to appreciate his ability to transport us through downtown rush-hour on a single web. *Note how relaxed I...

Jan 1st

Life is Pretty Simple

A few weeks ago, someone said, “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” Embrace the spirit of gratitude and wonderment that the world has something to offer you and that you’re given a chance each day to consider it…the ups and the downs… the mountains and the valleys… the fears and the comforts… life isn’t...

Nov 23rd

Momma Logue Volume 145

RAISINS Momma: Okay buddy, you’re in charge of RAISINS for your class’ Thanksgiving feast. Toddler: I’m in charge of RAISINS, SERIOUSLY? THAT is awesome! Momma: Wow, are you excited? Toddler: I can NOT believe I get to bring the raisins! I’M in charge of the RAISINS?! 90 year-olds everywhere will feel the love this Thanksgiving as a five year old shares their zeal for...

Nov 16th

The Mombie

The “Mombie”, also known as a femaleose caretakera, is a species native to the “home”. Despite it’s name, the Mombie is functional on a daily basis and does not actually consume other humans (although may be tempted at times). The Mombie is primarily carnivorous and tends to snack on the scraps of small beings. Mombies have few predators due to their uncanny nature...

Nov 9th

Momma Logue Volume 144

ELEPHANT MAN Toddler: Uncle C is a dude because he has hair in his butt, right? Momma: No, I said that a “dude” is a hair on an elephant’s butt. Toddler: That’s what I said. Uncle C may dance to the beat of his own drum, but he’s no Victorian Freak show.

Oct 6th

Momma Logue Volume 143

SPANKS (and not the Oprah kind) Toddler: You hurt my feelings Momma: I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but mine are hurt too. Toddler: Well, I DID mean to hurt yours. I think you’re okay. I’m the one with the spank butt. Kid’s got a point.

Oct 4th

Momma Logue Volume 142

Ignorance is Bliss Momma: You know, sometimes we have to listen and follow directions even when we think we’ll get in trouble Toddler: But if I don’t hear you, you can’t be mad Momma: No, someone can still be upset whether you ignore them or not Toddler: But if I ignore them, I can’t get into trouble Momma: No, that just means it gets harder Toddler: It’s not...

Sep 30th

Momma Logue Volume 141

CAREER DAY Toddler: Mom! I wanna be a construction-er when I get grown up, but I wanna be a Cowboy too Momma: Be both Toddler: You CAN’T do both… That doesn’t work, mom… Momma: Sure you can, just do construction in the summer, spring and fall- then you can go to a ranch out west in the winter. I wanted to be a lot of things when I grew up- you just have to figure out how to do everything you want...

Sep 29th

Momma Logue Volume 140

HAND WASHING Momma: Go wash your hands… Toddler: Did you wash YOUR hands after lunch? Momma: Umm…. Toddler: I’m callin’ you out! For over 30 years I was able to live with lunch crust fingertips without thinking twice… I have one baby and the world beckons me to a hygiene upgrade.

Sep 22nd

Time is the heart and soul of writing and I’m...

Even as I decide to write this, my son is shouting from the bathtub, “I’m ready to get out”… and I’ll clarify that I literally started to attempt to write this 32 seconds before he shouted. I will return momentarily… probably frustrated and wondering why I’m trying to write. Yes, exactly 26 hours+ later, I write this… In the time that has lapsed… here are some highlights: (These really are...

Sep 2nd

Momma Logue Volume 138

Toddler: Momma, it’s a vagina! Momma: WHAT is a vagina? Toddler: (Giggles uncontrollable) Momma: What? What’s a VAGINA? Toddler: (Stops suddenly) You don’t know what vagina is? I’m trapped in a psychoanalytical health class and failing miserably.

Aug 19th

Momma Logue Volume 137

Cabbage Momma: Wanna try my cabbage? Toddler: Ew, no… it’s fart-ish Momma: How can you be part Hungarian and NOT like cabbage? Toddler: I’ll try the fresh kids Hungarian instead Eastern Europeans gasp as they realize they’ve been eating “adults only” fart food.

Jul 27th

Momma Logue Volume 136

DINNER PLAY DATE Momma: So, thanks for asking me to have dinner with you. You’re a nice guy. Toddler: Yeah, I’m in college and I’m smart. I have a child named Voltron Momma: Um, waiter… Check Please!!! (whispers to pretend waiter…) I’m outta here, this guy is kinda weird Toddler: Wait, wait, wait lady date… um, his name is NOT voltron, it’s Bumblebee… it’s kinda hard, he wears a costume for...

Jul 26th

Momma Logue Volume 135

MR. FREEZE Toddler: Watch, I’ll put this jelly hand in the freezer and it turns into money Momma: Really? I’m ready! How much money? Toddler: A million dollars or twenty If getting your fingers cut off is hell, I’m ready for it to freeze over and bring momma the money, honey. If you’re confused, this is part B. of Momma Logue 134.

Jul 22nd

Momma Logue Volume 134

DAM Momma: What are you doin’? Toddler: I’m trying to make a dam day Momma: A what?What’s dam day? Toddler: It’s this jelly hand… you cut the fingers off and call it, ‘dam day’… it’s not good I would agree that having your fingers cut from your hand would make it a pretty dam bad day.

Jul 22nd

We're Expecting!

Yep, I can’t believe this is all going down… it’s a crazy time and as we’re trying to think of our life this fall (ah, let’s think of fall for a moment when life is cooler and kids are in school) we can’t possibly look beyond the sweaty pits, the lack of air when trying to take a deep breath and the need to consume gallons of water. Anyway, things have really been “heatin’ up” around here...

Jul 22nd

Momma Logue Volume 133

McD Momma: Okay, if you could pick any place for us to go to church next Sunday, where would we go? Toddler: Happy Meal Somehow when I picture the golden arches, they aren’t built on two all beef patties with special sauce, lettuce and cheese.

Jul 17th

Momma Logue Volume 132

BALD Toddler: Momma, there’s a baby here and I DON’T LIKE BABIES! Momma: What? You’ve been asking me to have a baby for months?! Toddler: This one doesn’t have hair and sits there… I like the ones with lots of hair that play Like mother like son

Jul 12th

Momma Logue Volume 131

CHINESE FOOD Toddler: When we go in here, you have to talk in China, like Chinese talk… like, “Wong Chong Hoo” Momma: I don’t know, I think it’s offensive if you pretend to speak Chinese in a Chinese restaurant. Toddler: It’s fine, I’ve been here before with my friends. As we say, “Sleep tight”… the Rickshaw being pulled by Chang and the posse, pulls up in front to run our 5 year old to the...

Jul 8th

Momma Logue Volume 130

LUCKY PENNY Toddler: Momma, ask me where the penny went Momma: Where’s the Penny?? Toddler: Hang on… I think it’s stuck… oh, HERE! Momma: Did you just take that out of your butt? Toddler: MOM! It was on the table… To dodge an awkward emergency room conversation, I will scour all surfaces for small abrasive objects.

Jun 29th

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Momma Logue Volume 129

GWR KINDA LOVE Toddler: I love you momma… I LOooooove YOU! Momma: Why? Why do you love me? Hmmmm??? Toddler: Because I have my heart on your heart and I love you It’s not every day that you find conjoined twins nearly 3 decades apart… schedule meeting with Stuart Claxton- “CHECK”.

Jun 27th

Momma Logue Volume 128

BIRTHDAY Toddler: Mom, I think for my party, I want a surprise party, but you can’t tell me it, because then it’s not a surprise. Wait, a RACE CAR surprise party… wait, NO… a Race Car, Surprise Party at the BOUNCE PLACE… no wait, you can NOT tell me… it’s a surprise. I’ll be waiting at CHUCK E. CHEESE… I’ll be mentally suffocated…Happy Birthday, son.

Jun 27th

Momma Logue Volume 127

TORPEDO Toddler: Mom, watch… my Bible is like a torpedo on the floor! Momma: I’m not sure that God loves to see the Bible chucked across the floor… Toddler: Hang on… “Jesus, I am really sorry that you don’t like that. I forgive you.” Nothin’ like a little remorse and blame shift, to secure your spot at the pearly gates

May 26th

Momma Logue Volume 126

LASAGNA HEAD Momma: Put the rest of those noodles on there… Toddler: No, these little pieces won’t work on there… I’ll eat them … Toddler: I wish I had a very tiny head to fit in here better to eat these That’s right, some attend prestigious Universities or attempt to promote World Peace, for you… a miniature head to fit into our Welco Pasta Strainer… dream big, son… dream big.

May 6th

Momma Logue- Lost in Translation

AND NOW… a Few CHILD TRANSLATIONS “You Be Yoda” means Star Wars and the Yoda is actually referring to Darth Vader “Pupcakes” are small cakes that are iced and made in muffin tins aka cupcakes “You forgive me” is actually saying, “I forgive YOU” and becomes much less compassionate when it’s a direct order “Yesterday” this actually refers to any time period before this very moment, ex. “Yesterday I...

Apr 29th

Momma Logue Volume 125

THE BENCH Momma: Maybe THAT bench is Dr. Larrys? (Walking through the park and looking for the bench dedicated to our neighbor Dr. Larry) Toddler: Yep… I bet it is! Momma: No, that doesn’t have Dr. Larry’s name on it, that says Mary McMullen Toddler: Mary McMullen has a bench of bird poop and bugs Some lives are paid tribute through the growth of a sapling tree or small statue- Mary McMullen’s...

Apr 24th

Momma Logue Volume 124

EYE PATCH Momma: Hey Buddy, stop rubbing your eyes… if we need too, we’ll put some warm water on them. You can’t have any more drops and you don’t want to wake up with the ol’ crust eye. Toddler: Crust eye? What’s THAT? Momma: You know where you wake up and can’t open your eyes because that crust is in there? Toddler: Can’t OPEN MY EYES? Crust? Um…. Mom… Momma: Yeah? Toddler: Will I have to wear...

Apr 19th

Momma Logue Volume 123

SAUSAGE HEART Toddler: My heart is breaking… I had bad dreams and I’m NOT having a good day… it’s broked and I’m mad… Momma: Sometimes dreams can do that to your morning. I’ll make us some sausage and eggs and we’ll talk about it. Toddler: SAUSAGE? I LOVE sausage! Now my heart is back together! It’s going into one piece! Thank you for sausage, Momma! I love you! Cardiac surgeons everywhere are...

Apr 18th

Momma Logue Volume 122

PERSONALIZATION Toddler: (from backseat) Mom, will you write on my woody? Momma: Huh?! Toddler: Like Andy does in Toy Story… you can write my name on his foot Post traumatic stress quickly mended by permanent marker and a pull-string cowboy.

Apr 13th

Momma Logue Volume 122

STILL WAITING… Taking Toddler on a drive through the neighborhood where Momma grew up… Momma: This was mommy’s school when I was in Kindergarten… I would walk home down this street and that’s where mommy used to meet my Grandma Gigi when she’d come visit… right there on that corner… Toddler: Does she still wait there for you? Put a Hitchcock shot on this gal, ‘cause I got twist ending that will...

Apr 7th

Momma Logue Volume 121

EASTER MIRACLE Momma: It’s so nice out! We could take you for a walk around the neighborhood, in your wagon!? Todder: Who, you and daddy? Momma: Yeah… it would be fun! Toddler: I have an idea! How about you just go and me and daddy will have boys time? Momma: How will I go on a wagon ride by myself? Toddler: God will push you; I’ve had my mommy fill up… I need more of daddy now. I’m rejected by...

Apr 3rd

"OUT FROM HIBERNATION"

Dear Readers & Friends of Momma Logues, The past 5 months have been nothing short of winter lethargy. The “state of inactivity” is a result of life’s incredible chaos and such… but… good news! This momma has come alive and is ready to compose some fairly decent witticisms, if life indeed allows. Will you re-join me?! I hope so, ‘cause I love you...

Apr 3rd

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Momma Logue Volume 120

Marry Me Toddler: Momma, when I get big, I wanna marry you Momma: But I’m already married to daddy Toddler: What about Janele? I can marry her. Momma: Um… Aunt Janele is already married to Uncle Steve Toddler: They’re married? Momma: Yes, you were in their wedding! PHILANDERER WITH CASE OF DEMENTIA just doesn’t scream “sex appeal” when searching for a soul-mate

Feb 22nd

Time and Talk

Child- 3,467 words out of the mouth in just mere minutes without breathing or thinking. Parent- 3,000 minutes to create a thought, 400 minutes to find another adult to talk to, 60 minutes of quiet on a good day and 7 minutes to reflect on life when you could think, talk and hear nothing.

Feb 14th

Momma Logue Volume 119

WORKER BEE Toddler: Momma, when I get big, I will be a Police Officer, a Sous-chef, a Builder and a Steak N Shake. Momma: Hm, what exactly is a “Steak N Shake”? Toddler: I make big burgers and give them to people that are hungry with money and then I get a Transformer car and pay insurance With this sort of work-ethic, I’m bound to get a couple free meals and a waved parking ticket.

Feb 11th

Momma Logue Volume 118

TOY EATS Toddler: Momma, this is the stuff I want when we’re “outta here” (marking mail flyers)… “Onion Rings, Pizza, Ice Cream Cake…” Momma: Well with all the snow, we may never leave… we might have to start eating your toys Toddler: I’ll have to ask Santa for ANOTHER Bat Cave? Flying mammal dwellings are not on my 2011 diet plan; I’m startin’ with Mr. Potato Head and ending with the Just Kidz...

Feb 2nd

Momma Logue Volume 117

MAGICIAN Toddler: (yelling from bedroom) “Uh, Mom…. Can you come here? I don’t want to open the door since it’s my quiet time, but… I need you… like um…. Please?” Momma: Sure, hang on… (opens door) Toddler: Yeah, this wasn’t a good idea… I am NOT magic I’m pretty sure that David Copperfield left out the act where he put his legs into his laundry hamper only to stand up and realize that having a...

Jan 14th

Momma Logue Volume 116

HALLOWEEN Toddler: I’m going to be Optimus for Halloween… a TRANSFORMER! Momma: We’ve got a little bit of time buddy, it’s Christmas… Toddler: Can we buy one? Momma: Well… maybe you and daddy could make one? Husband: Yeah, my dad made me one when I was little Toddler: Is it gonna be cheesy? Johnny Brock puts something together for forty bucks and sells it next to an Over the Hill beer funnel and...

Dec 14th

Momma Logue Volume 115

THIS Toddler: Momma, you forgot to put this in your butt Momma: What? Toddler: (brings a tampon into the room) THIS! Momma: Um, honey, that doesn’t go in mommy’s butt… that’s for something else Toddler: for THIS? (pokes Momma right in the shammy) Having previously avoided the enlightenment on feminine products, it seems the topic is now worthy of clarification to avoid future outbursts and goodie...

Dec 13th

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